I read the Democratic Party platform for 2016, and was amazed by all the small paragraphs. It was like being inside the head of someone with ADHD or being fired at with scattershot – if I had to list all the promises they made I’d be here until Thanksgiving. Basically the Democrats have promised us peace and prosperity – and not only in the USA! No, they are promising peace and prosperity for all nations, because; well, as everyone knows we are all stronger and better when everyone is stronger and better and no one is stepping on someone else’s face to get to the top. Yes, China, Africa, India, Pakistan and wherever else, vote for the Democrats – they’ll make sure everyone gets ahead.

They’ll bring peace to the middle east – they will make a two state solution work with Israel and Palestine, and give Jerusalem to Israel for their Capital, to have and to hold as a whole – I have no idea how they’ll do this, but it’s on the platform so hey!

It makes me dizzy – really, reading all those small paragraphs, but there are so many people who need help. Unlike the Republicans, who are just going to pray themselves out of this mess, and lower taxes so the rich can make their own countries, the Democrats are reaching out to everyone.

Indian tribes! You too are in the platform, you are promised peace and prosperity along with gays, blacks, LGBTs, BLTs, handicapped people, autists – in fact, handicapped black autistic gay women – you’ll be in heaven if the Dems get in – they have a whole section just for you. Immigrants will be granted nationality – not sure which one, but they can keep their jobs and guess what? Jobs will be paid More!

Yes, wages will go up. A 15$ an hour baseline living wage is proposed, and no more ‘tip’ jobs, everyone up the scale and 15$ and hour, which is what I earn here in France, but I have free healthcare and education, so it works for me.

Oh, healthcare and education will be free in the Democratic USA! There are more little paragraphs promising just that. OK, it’s community colleges that will be free, but it’s a start; and student loans will be forgiven, some of them, at least Federal loans. Private companies are a whole ‘nother paragraph.

Yes, corporations will no longer be able to hide their money overseas and everyone will pay fair taxes, which, since Delaware is one of the biggest tax havens in the world, I’ll believe when I see. Most companies will just switch over to Delaware or Puerto Rico to hide their money.

And did I mention Puerto Rico? The Republicans have promised them statehood, so they can privatise the whole island, but the Dems will let the Puerto Ricans decide to keep their independence, and will work out a payment plan for their debt. Big of them. But Washington DC will be a state – because, we needed another one, and your Congressmen and Senators need a state home for their taxes. Or something.

Speaking of taxes – everyone will pay their fair share, and the shenanigans on Wall street will stop. It’s written in black and white, so there.

Trade deals will be fair too. The key words in the Dem’s platform are peace, prosperity and fairness – everything will be fair, including the Trans Pacific Trade deal, which will be fair, somehow – I guess we’ll bomb China into submission if they dare devalue their yen. So let’s be zen – the TPT will go through, like it or not. Republicans are ecstatic.

So, while the Republicans pray, kick out the immigrants, lower wages and taxes,shoot anyone who disagrees, ¬†privatise America and divide it between the two or three corporations that will buy it, Democrats will make sure everything is fair by closing tax loopholes and making sure everyone plays fair and shares and kids will be able to go to 2 year colleges for free, which is where they will learn skills to merit their 15$ an hour jobs. We’re all excited about this. Especially the Africans and Israelis, who will have good jobs as well (in Africa) and Jerusalem (in the new country of Israel, which is right next to the tiny town of Palestine….

If you think I’m being unfair to the Dems, go read the platform and decide for yourself. It’s sweeter than watching five hours straight of the Care Bears on TV, and less fattening than a scoop of raspberry chocolate ice-cream with sugar on top – which is what everyone will be eating when Hillary is elected queen – er, president.

Of course, if Donald is elected will all be praying, women will be pregnant, gay marriages will be cancelled (will he refund the weddings, I wonder?) we’ll be at war with China, Mexico and Iran – of the three, Mexico will be safest because thanks to cheap, imported GPS’s the fighter planes will be somewhere over Italy or Peru. And because schools will be able to make their own curriculums and home schooling will be “encouraged” – most people won’t be able to read the next Republican platform anyhow – so go read this one. Compare the two, and think about urging Bernie Sanders to secede Vermont from the US & declare himself dictator, and go move there.

Advertisements