We’re watching Eurovision from France – the presentation is lasting forever – a huge clip about Amir with his song as background. And to launch the show and flog tomorrow night’s TV film, channel 2 showed a clip from tomorrow night’s film where Ryan Gosling placed a bet and said “While waiting for Ryan Gosling tomorrow night, here he is betting everything on Amir!” the film clip did a closeup on the actor’s hands counting his money – it came to 7 dollars. My daughter and I are already howling.  Just an aside – Amir seems pretty cool. The French presenters  look like Miss Piggy and Kermit…The Swedish hosts are trying to talk while the French hosts are translating at the same time, making it already an ungodly cacophony. And the music hasn’t even started. Julia and I do not miss a Eurovision. We play a drinking game (with tea – we’re so boring). Woman screaming into a wind machine? Drink! A Justin Timberlake lookalike? Drink! Ripped jeans, country western song, Drink up! And any costume that glows or lights up!

Eurovision – they are presenting the singers – they are surrounded by people wearing clothes made of cardboard and what looks like toilet paper rolls…

First song from Belgium and I can’t tell what language she’s using – is it French? English? Now Czech republic & I understand everything! But what a boring song. Oh dear – she just missed her last note, and according to the drinking game, I have to drink because she’s yelling into a wind machine!
 Julia has made up her own drinking game and we have to drink for the Netherlands – he stopped singing and mouthed “I love you” at the camera. Quick Drink!

Azerbaijan – is that even a country? She hasn’t hit a single note – are my ears bleeding yet?

Now for Hungary – the French hosts are waxing poetic about his culinary talents – but can he sing?

  And the answer is No!
Italy – first of all – she’s wearing a white t shirt with what look like Dolce and Gabbana jewelled overalls. There are weird trees and flowers and balloons and squiggles behind her and she is singing flat. So far, Eurovision is living up to its reputation of the repository of the worst music on the planet.

Israel – we are made of Stars – the only song I’ve been able to appreciate – so far the singer has hit Most of his notes. Not all though. And fingerless gloves are so passé.

Bulgaria is completely overshadowed by her outfit – some sort of black leather coat and glowy bands – oh – she just lit up ! That’s another drink!

Sweden has a 17 yr old, and like most 17 year olds he mutters and you can’t really hear what he’s saying (much less singing). Just feel like yelling “speak up! Talk clearly! Stop saying your sorry and just do it!”

Germany – what can I say? She made her own costume. You remember those kits with the felt and the sequins? Otherwise the song in’t too bad, but I will forget it as soon as she stops singing.

It’s France – the French hosts are wetting themselves – can they lay it on any thicker? Will they shut up before he starts singing? OK – he’s pretty good in fact – HE is the Best for now!! Go France!

Oh Capt Hook is up next – no, it’s Poland, and he’s singing in English and the words Make No Sense.

Eurovision and it’s an Australian born in South Korea – if they win, does Eurovision go to Australia? But she has a great voice.

Cypris and you know you know you know – kind of a good song actually. I’d crank up the radio for this one. Julia just said she’d get out of the car if I did that though – I guess my taste in music is still old fogie. And tell the truth – it is getting aggravating….

Morticia from the Adams Family is up next – no it’s Serbia – and she’s singing “Every time you say… (and the next words are unintelligible – ) Something Good bye. Time for another drink! Good thing we’re just drinking tea! Awful song and she just missed her note – sounded like someone stepped on a cat’s tail.

Lithuania is so boring I think I’ll go take a shower and make some more tea. He’s like elevator music.

Croatia – it’s the costume that takes over – it is ten sizes too big for her – she dressed in a japanese tent; then she shed it and now she has feathers And mirrors. Meanwhile she sings. No – she warbles. It is just the worst song so far! Another drink!

Russia – and he has One Giant Wing. the words are silly – Thunder and Lightning – its getting exciting! Ha ha ha!! Terrible lyrics. 

Spain! And she looks like a can of Coors beer! She sounds like a girl’s band. She fell down. Was it on purpose?

Latvia. Just no. And his jeans have big holes in the knees. Finished my tea. Off to get more!

Ukraine. Is it over yet? She seems to be whining about something. Not sure it’s a song.

Malta is next – hopefully it will be more cheerful. It’s – well – the only thing I’m wondering is How does she keep her dress on?? Is it glued? There is a guy doing gymnastics in front of her. Then he vanished. Somehow the dress is still on. The guy is back. Totally distracting from the song, which is something about walking on water. In fact – those are the only words…

Georgia – starts out pretty cool but you can’t watch because the camera work is giving me a headache.

Next up Lolita – from Austria – and Kermit and Miss Piggy are already making fun of her. She is singing in French. Odd. Julia’s comment – a French Taylor Swift. Not bad, not too bad. OK, after 30 seconds I changed my mind. Too many flat notes. Loin d’ici – sounds good to me.

England now, and they have an OK song, sort of boring, but at least they hit the notes. Julia says the English do it on purpose, to make fun of Eurovision. Ha Ha.

Armenia the last country to go – and she’s wearing a sort of Victoria Secret swimsuit – which does not distract from her horrible voice – Oh. My. God. Please, please – end this song. Really truly the worst. Now sort of mirror image dancers appear behind her – then flames – but nothing can save her.

As if we haven’t suffered enough – Justin Timberlake is going to sing. To my question, “What is He doing there?” Julia replied “he got offered enough money to show up.”

Filler time before winners are announced, and the Swedish hosts are now singing a song making unashamed fun of Eurovision…Can they do this? They just spoofed the entire show, with Love Love Love and a man on a hamster wheel – uh, yes, those were the lyrics…
The Swedish hostess has changed her costume yet again. This makes 4 – and not one pretty or flattering one. Poor thing.
The results are in!!
Now we visit each country and get the points – this is where all the Russian satellites vote for Russia.  Miss Piggy is starting to insult the judges. She does that every year by making fun of their accents. She ought not, because people who live in glass houses and all that…
Oh wow – Australia is winning by a mile! Yes, that is Eurovision – where a South Korean Australian can win! They’ll have to call it Worldovision…supposedly if they win they (Australia) will host it in some lucky European country – rumor has it it’s Germany. Every time France gets no points, Miss Piggy makes fun of a judge – now she’s singing yellow submarine at a judge dressed in yellow – France got zero points. Halfway through voting and it’s Australia – Malta – France! woot woot!
And in a surprise finish – Ukraine wins!
I can’t remember the song – but that’s Eurovision – elevating elevator music to new heights! See you next year in the Ukraine!