1) Rejection letters from agents.
Even if the note is just a simple “No thank you,” we see this:
Please stop sending me your hackneyed prose. Your stories suck. I hope you have another job, because writing just ain’t it. If I sold writing like yours, I’d be the laughing stock of my profession. Please, for my sake and yours, stop querying me. “
2) Rejection letters from publishers.
Again, our imagination tends to see things in a darker light…
Just because we publish several of your online writing buddies, and just because your favorite author in the whole world is in our stable of authors, that doesn’t mean you are welcome. As a matter of fact, if it were Christmas eve and ours was the only stable in town, and you were pregnant and riding on a donkey – we still wouldn’t take you. Do us and the publishing world a big favor – take up bird watching.”
3) Typos in submission letters.
Dear Ms. Snork,
I’d like to submit my story, “Angles on Crusade…”
I’d like to sumbit by story,
4) Typos in our finished and FINALLY published books:
Page 34: Instead of the Gulf of Mexico, it reads the Golf of Mexico…
5) Readers picking up on our little typos.
“Dear ex-favorite author. I read your latest story. Where the f%*@! is the Golf of Mexico? Do you mean the one in Tijuana, the Golf del Sur? Or did you mean the one in Cancun – the Country club and Golf Verdez? In any case, it makes no sense. I’m through reading your books. An ex-fan.
6) Having nobody read our books.
“Dear Author – here is your royalty statement for the year 2006 / 2007:
You sold 0 copies
Your royalties are 0.00$
7) The Advance that Just Won’t Go Away.
“Dear Author. Your advance was 1000$. You sold 0.00$ this year. You still owe us 1000$ on your advance against royalties. It will be a cold day in Hell before we sign another contract with you.
8) A Negative Review
(I can dig up a real one for this, but I’m having too much fun…)
“The Tell Tale Tart by Samantha Winston – ZERO STARS
Where to begin? Well, it was hard enough to begin when I started reading, and I barely got to the end – I only threw the book against the wall 86 times, and it’s a novella, folks. The Tell Tale Tart starts off with a whimper and ends with a whine. The heroine, Janice, makes having PMS and the stomach flu, along with a raging fever seem fun, and the hero, Mike, really should be locked up somewhere in a maximum security prison for eternity. The good news is, it’s practically a short story. The bad news is it cost me 4.95$ as a used book on Amazon. This was the worst piece of trash I’ve ever read. Don’t even bother taking it out of the library.”
Nancy the usually really Nice reviewer for Rarin’ to Read Reviews“
9) Trying to find a quote to use from a negative review.
“The Tell Tale Tart…The heroine Janice…fun…the hero Mike…eternity. Good News.”
Finding out that witty expression your hero spouts throughout your book came from somewhere else. Your subconscious has betrayed you! “The force be with you,” said Mike.
Janice giggled and batted her eyelashes. “You’re such a character, Mike.”
11) Plagiarism (part II)
Finding out someone has plagiarizedyour book, taken your characters and given them slightly different names but kept the plot!
“Keep the force,” said Mark.
Jane laughed hysterically and waved her eyelashes in the air. “You’re my hero, Mark!”
12) Finding out the ‘OTHER’ book gets a five star review and lands on the NYT best seller list.
“…I can’t say enough good things about Ms. Desforges new book. Her fresh new writing makes the wonderful characters come to life. I want to spend my entire life reading more books about Mark and Jane. Fabulous. The force is with them! Highly recommended.” Nancy the really Nice reviewer for Rarin’ to Read Reviews“
Because then you have to write another book just as good.